What Is It Like To Feel Happy?

Hello, my little cherry blossoms, I hope you are all good. 

I've been doing a lot of thinking. 

I think a lot. 

I've been thinking about what it is to be or feel happy. I do try to be happy. It's so complicated. It feels like there's always something stopping me. Stopping me from being the person I want to be. Stopping me from the things I want to do. 

I can't spend life thinking like I do. 

I want it to go away but it's not going anywhere. 

I've thought about a lot over the past 3 years. It's so complicated. My mind right now feels like it's working 2 different functions. 

I'm trying to work on myself but it's too tiring. I'm tired of everything. I'm not happy about anything and there's no denying it. I can't run away from this. I'm sick of being unhappy. I'm sick of not being who I want to be. So many things are in my way. I hate that too much, it's so frustrating. I hate not being able to do things.
I don't know what it is to be happy.
I'm human and I make bad decisions and make mistakes because we're all human. We're not perfect.